I paced the room several times last night, feeling this burning anxiety running through my body. Like I was about to jump out of my own skin. Like my mind didn't want be in here anymore. And maybe if I kept moving, I could out run it, or shake it out of my system, or something. Change. And wrapped in that feeling were the words. A story that was starting. Maybe a song? This is how it begins.
The sounds falling against each other and pushing away. It's like trying to find the matching pieces to a puzzle. There is something here. Something that is trying to define itself. Fragments of rhythms.
"She's not... She's not the love... not the love... you'd ever leave?"
"What?" Rachel called to me softly from the bedroom, barely making it to the living room,"Sounded like you said something."
"No," I muttered, "Just... thinking..." my voice dropping off as I kept circling a track around the sofa.
"not the love... you'd ever leave. You can't da-da-dum, good memories..."
Just ideas that aren't growing.
What is she? What is she to herself? What does she want?
I lay down on the couch with these elusive ideas on me. This is all nothing. A Meditation for writing. My practice. Writing is raising the dead. Putting form to ghosts and vapors of ideas. Trying to fill them with weight. Trying to fill them with life. If they can't live and fell and act, in my mind, they will never survive in the world.
Maybe that's why sometimes it feels like magic. A series of synapses firing in unison. Ideas from disparate lobes pushing together to make something. A color and a word. A feeling and texture. A taste and a sound. And they need to make her real.
"What is she?"
"It sounds like your talking?" her voice is low,
she is half in a dream already.
she is half in a dream already.
I'm keeping her awake. "Sorry babe..." and I sincerely am.
I have a habit of talking out loud when I write. Rachel says it's a creepy sounding voice, I don't know what it sounds like, I don't even realize that I'm doing it. I have a habit of staying up late. I have a habit of disappearing mentally from conversations. I have a habit of sleep paralysis. I have a habit of saying yes to everything. Of wanting to do too much. Of getting carried away. Of being too detached. I have a lot of bad habits. I guess I'm saying, I'm too lucky to have a wife that puts up with me.
I wanted a new song done by tonight. But that wasn't happening. And some how I got the idea that I was better off watching some Netflix than keeping this up.
And I did. Or started to.
I spent a good amount of time, feet propped up, shirtless, flipping through menu, checking my phone when I get an update from some social media thing. Not finding anything.Thinking of all the things I need to get done this week. Edit the podcast, finish a mix of a new Idyll Green song that will debut soon, start edits on a song we are recording, get back to my novel. And these are all swirling around me.
I closed my eyes.
There, I saw the time we lay
in her room. When I learned
she was a prism. We were tossed
sheets and legs and the sun came in
to catch her. She turned a vision
on the walls. She danced
like she was. So clear.
So open. like everything could be